Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 7
If there’s anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.
That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.
Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally - and many internationally - for their wide-ranging achievements.
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.
You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the fucking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
He had a passion and a depth of belief, and an optimism, and a tenacity that I very much admired. He was one of the first people I remember learning about, and maybe his death left an indelible mark. I felt that Robert Kennedy was a man of political integrity.