Quotes & Jokes by Lewis Black / page 10

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.

We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.

Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

iPod now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.