Quotes & Jokes by Mike Birbiglia / page 2

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...

I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around ‘normal’ and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.

I'm a compulsive everything.

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it’s never anything good like, “We found something in your bladder AND IT’S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!”

I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

The cell phone companies make you sign up for a plan, but it’s not like if you don’t follow the plan they’re cool with it. It’s like, “You can have 600 anytime minutes for 50 dollars, but if you go over that, we shoot you in the dick!”

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"