Quotes & Jokes by Noel Fielding / page 2

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

It’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho!

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that’s all Jazz is for.