Quotes & Jokes by Norm Macdonald / page 3
'I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.
I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, 'Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.'
I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.
Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.