Quotes & Jokes by Paula Poundstone / page 4
I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Inside there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box. I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.