Quotes & Jokes by Richard Jeni / page 3

75 quotes

They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before...

Hello! Welcome to "Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life." Today we're making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, in a kitchen bigger than your whole bloody house!

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

We're all a little bit hypocritical and we could all help people more than we do. You know you're sitting there watching TV, it's late at night. Then you hear: "For $9 a week, you could help this starving child." Everyone has the $9, but how do you not give it to them? You gotta rationalize it somehow. You just go, "Ehh that kid doesn't look that hungry to me. Shit he's got a bigger belly than I do. How you can you feed a kid for $9 a week, that's impossible! Shit a Low-Fat, Low Carb latte is $4.50. Whats that kid gonna do with 2 giant cups of coffee? I'm actually doing him a favor not giving him any money, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake and starving. You're welcome Haboopoo."

Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after. Alright, I shouldn't have started her off with one that I was in - that was a mistake.

The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.