Quotes & Jokes by Richard Jeni / page 3
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
Hello! Welcome to "Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life." Today we're making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, in a kitchen bigger than your whole bloody house!
They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before...
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!
Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after. Alright, I shouldn't have started her off with one that I was in - that was a mistake.
The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.