Quotes & Jokes by Richard Jeni / page 5
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up – God, what a night that was!
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
Basically it's the priests don't like the cloning, so we can make a compromise. For every cell that we use to make a heart valve we'll done one for them. It'll be a portable twelve-year-old boy's butt with five openings, four for personal use and one to call Bingo every Thursday.
Why do some people think aquariums are cruel? The fish love it there! They told me. The said, “Truthfully Rich, it's fucking awesome. There's no predators. No nets, no pollution. It's like the ocean without all the bullshit.”
I got involved with this pro-choice group. Their slogan is, “Raising kids is murder”.
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.
Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.
We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”