Quotes & Jokes by Robert Schimmel / page 2

They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since high school and they go to the same college, and she calls me up one night and says "Dad, I wanted to talk to you about Steve." And all I can think is if she tells me she took it up the ass I'm gonna drop dead on the phone. I mean what do you say to that "Daddy, I don't like it in the butt." Yeah, you and your mom both. So she says "Dad, you know Steve and I have been together for a while, and he was wondering what it would be like to go all the way." So I said "Maybe I'll fuck him then he won't have to wonder anymore." See Steve that's what it's like to go all the way... would you stop crying?

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

[about the contents of a brochure from the American Heart Association regarding the resumption of sexual activity following a heart attack] Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.