Quotes & Jokes by Russell Howard / page 2

North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I've never said flange to a monkey!

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”