Quotes & Jokes by Russell Howard / page 2

North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I've never said flange to a monkey!

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”