Quotes & Jokes by Sam Kinison / page 2

38 quotes

I do love women. I don’t think they get enough sexual attention. Guys aren't as in touch with that until they've been married a couple of times. After my second divorce, I said, “Hey, I bet if I learned how to fuck really good I won’t have to give away everything I own every five fucking years!

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: "I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!"

Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the fuck out of everybody!

I hate the fuckin' gall of these countries, that come to us, a week after the war, and go, "Hey. Can you help us out? Our cities are all fucked up, our highways are destroyed, our economy's shit, the people are wounded, they're outta work..." Yeah, that's basically what we wanted to do to you... And that's what we wouldn't have had to do to you if you'd just pulled your fuckin' troops out of Kuwait, instead of setting those 700 oil wells on fire, and dumpin' oil in the ocean and poisoning the fish. So fuck you; eat your poisoned fish, breathe your black air, and kiss my American ass!

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.

The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.