Quotes & Jokes by Whitney Cummings / page 2

I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.

Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.