Quote by Steven Wright:

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

Short bio
Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

All quotes by Steven Wright

Quotes by other comedians

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.

Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. ‘Cause we’re idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn’t think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We’re straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, “Hey man, older women.” “I’ll go first.” Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I’m flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat’s getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, “Thunk!” Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom’s in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, “Bill’s dead!” About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, “Waaaaaa!” Boy I wish I had died!

I had many teachers that were great, positive role models and taught me to be a good person and stand up and be a good man. A lot of the principals they taught me still affect how I act sometimes and it's 30 years later.