Quotes & Jokes about Differences

52 quotes

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

For a black man, there's no difference between the North and the South. In the South, they don't mind how close I get, as long as I don't get too big. In the North, they don't mind how big I get, as long as I don't get too close.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and Damn! People ask, "What could be bigger than damn!" The new level's called "Oh hell no!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "damn!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, "Oh hell no! No! No!" That's the difference.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'

Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.

The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.

If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.

The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.