Quote by Phyllis Diller:

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.

Comedian
Short bio
Phyllis Ada Diller was an American actress and comedienne, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.

All quotes by Phyllis Diller

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You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.

One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: "Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!"