Quotes & Jokes about Husband

60 quotes

My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

I think it's a really selfish thing, especially if your guy isn't making a lot of money, to make him go out and blow money on a shiny fucking rock that was dug out of the ground by a fucking 8 year old. Ya know? Just because you're not mature enough as an adult to walk up to all your other girlfriends with your engagement ring and letting it be something other than a diamond or at the very least letting it be a diamond that your future husband can afford.

Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.

I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.