Quotes & Jokes by Alan Carr

What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!

I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.

I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.

I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of fucking Fat Club were by the pasties.

On house-hunting: They said it was split-level and open-plan, but then again so is an NCP car park.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse

(eating out in restaurants before he was famous) <br /> "I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick"