Quotes & Jokes by Benny Hill

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!

I have a wild bunch of coconuts!

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.