Quotes & Jokes by Benny Hill

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

I have a wild bunch of coconuts!

Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?