Quotes & Jokes by Bill Bailey

60 quotes

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.

hy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.

Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!