Quotes & Jokes by Bill Bailey

60 quotes

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

hy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"