Quotes & Jokes by Bill Bailey

60 quotes

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.

hy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.