Quotes & Jokes by Christian Finnegan / page 3


As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. "Officer, do you have any leads?" "Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts."

What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.

I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.

Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.

If I could go back and talk to the "me" who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That’s a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it’s really not.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."

Basically, I got into stand-up because I’m too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "I can't wait for summer" and "Fuck this shit"?