Quotes & Jokes by Christian Finnegan / page 2

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.

You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.