Quotes & Jokes by Jack Whitehall

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.

I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

(On Robert Pattinson.) Our parents know each other a bit and my hair is just as good as his.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.

‘No, mate, you came here because you screwed up your A-levels.’(Reply to a heckler at Warrington University, who told Whitehall he’d ‘come here for comedy.’)

People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bollocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.

I was so hot, I sweated like Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah!

The Apple Store in New York is like a big white glistening cathedral of twats. Before you even have your foot in the door, there is some wanktard in your face with a fringe. ‘Hey buddy, my name’s Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?’ I’m here to buy a phone, not make a friend, piss off!

I feel like a divorced woman in her 40s, all I need is some cat hair and it’ll be complete.