Quotes & Jokes by Kristen Schaal

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot…hotter than Jemaine . You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

I had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a sudden, towards the end, out of nowhere, my vagina turned into an avocado pit and ruined everything. And I woke up, and I was just like, 'Ugh, I have issues.'

Mel: What was your name again?<br /> <br /> Rain: Rain.<br /> <br /> Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?<br /> Murray: A little, around the eyes.<br /> Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh?<br /> Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

[Talking about her husband Doug] He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

The first time I was on TV, on “Flight of the Conchords,” someone put up a YouTube clip and said, ‘You’re too ugly to be on TV.’ And I was like, ‘That is exactly why it’s a good thing that I’m on TV.’

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...