Quotes & Jokes by Kristen Schaal
You're looking good today Bret. Very hot…hotter than Jemaine . You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
Mel: What was your name again?<br /> <br /> Rain: Rain.<br /> <br /> Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
I had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a sudden, towards the end, out of nowhere, my vagina turned into an avocado pit and ruined everything. And I woke up, and I was just like, 'Ugh, I have issues.'
Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?<br /> Murray: A little, around the eyes.<br /> Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh?<br /> Murray: Well... she's got eyes.
[Talking about her husband Doug] He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.
I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...
The first time I was on TV, on “Flight of the Conchords,” someone put up a YouTube clip and said, ‘You’re too ugly to be on TV.’ And I was like, ‘That is exactly why it’s a good thing that I’m on TV.’
This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...