Quotes & Jokes by Kristen Schaal / page 2
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.