Quotes & Jokes by Kristen Schaal / page 2
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.