Quotes & Jokes by Lee Mack
I`ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted 3 children.<br /> Now I`ve got two, I only want one.
(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.
Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.
“Hey, you couldn’t write stuff like that could ya!! Of course you could…I did”.
“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”
I got recognized today in Dixons, a member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey your that mad bloke off the tele’, I went ‘thats me’, and he went ‘no, your that mad bloke….off the tele!’
“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”
“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”
I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’
“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”
I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?
(about cars) “I would say ‘has it got a cup holder, and will it make birds touch my cock?’”