Quotes & Jokes by Lee Mack

17 quotes

I`ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted 3 children.<br /> Now I`ve got two, I only want one.

(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.

“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”

“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

“Hey, you couldn’t write stuff like that could ya!! Of course you could…I did”.

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’

I got recognized today in Dixons, a member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey your that mad bloke off the tele’, I went ‘thats me’, and he went ‘no, your that mad bloke….off the tele!’

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”

“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”

I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

(about cars) “I would say ‘has it got a cup holder, and will it make birds touch my cock?’”