Quotes & Jokes by Noel Fielding

Are you possessed... by a twat?

They call me the confuser. Is he a man...is he a woman...? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

I like clothes and make-up, I like the transformation… But a lot of men had problems. It’s one of those strange things. A man will go, ‘You fucking queer.’ And you just think, ‘Well, your girlfriend fancies me.’

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

Yeah, big deal! *points to scar on his stomach* See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get. Fell asleep on them when I was pissed.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!