Quotes & Jokes by Noel Fielding

Are you possessed... by a twat?

They call me the confuser. Is he a man...is he a woman...? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

I like clothes and make-up, I like the transformation… But a lot of men had problems. It’s one of those strange things. A man will go, ‘You fucking queer.’ And you just think, ‘Well, your girlfriend fancies me.’

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.

Yeah, big deal! *points to scar on his stomach* See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get. Fell asleep on them when I was pissed.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!