Craig Ferguson

Quotes

Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?

Three things to think about before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.