Craig Ferguson Quotes and Jokes

377 quotes

Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.

Three things to think about before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity - the only thing that most students really desire - is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast.

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.