Craig Ferguson Quotes and Jokes

377 quotes

Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

Three things to think about before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...