Craig Ferguson Quotes and Jokes

377 quotes

Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.

"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.