Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.
I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.