Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12

I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.

I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.

I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why pencils have abortions.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.