Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12

I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.

I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.

I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.

I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.

My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why pencils have abortions.

I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.

If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.