Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 13

I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.

I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.

Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.

World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.

I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.