Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 13

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.

World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.

In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.

I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.