Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 7
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
We bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters, what does it say? ‘Do not eat this’. You ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinkin’ there might be somethin’ to eat in there?
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Bass Pro Shops and here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home." And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine. Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have. She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine. Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!
I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".
I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
See, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to be it. But I'll give you a great example. The other day, I was in my car and I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don't know if you've been stuck behind a school bus before, but once you're there, you're stuck. I've passed kidney stones quicker than you can get around a school bus.
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."
I think my wife puts up with me ‘cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was “Don’t fart!” Yeah, you’ve thought about it, haven’t you! ‘Cause when you’re standing up and you’ve got gas, you can clench it in. When someone’s rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you’re bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.