Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 8
I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, "I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat?" He said, "Peanut Butter." I said, "If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick?" He said, "no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down."
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
I think my wife puts up with me ‘cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was “Don’t fart!” Yeah, you’ve thought about it, haven’t you! ‘Cause when you’re standing up and you’ve got gas, you can clench it in. When someone’s rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you’re bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, “What does he need that for?”, and she says, “So he don’t got to bend his neck to eat!” I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he’s limber enough to eat! She said, “It helps his digestion!” I said, “His digestion’s just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning.”
I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's your sign!
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.
Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”