Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 9
[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"
I was always the "Class Clown" and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.