Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 9

I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's your sign!

Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.

While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

Greed is a bad color on a person.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.