Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 9

I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's your sign!

Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.

Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?

While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

Greed is a bad color on a person.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]<br /> I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"