Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 10

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't get that, power is a pretty good second one. And that's what religion gives to people. Power. Power is sex for people who can't get or don't want or aren't any good at sex itself.

I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.

What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.