Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 11

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.

Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.

We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.

If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.

In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!