Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 13
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.
Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".
My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.