Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 14
What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.
On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.
Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...
My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.