Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 10

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!

I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?