Billy Connolly Quotes and Jokes

150 quotes

The scrotum - a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand. although it didn't work!

Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!

53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it’s a nightmare! It’s not a fucking present, it’s not a prize, it’s a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I’m a slut man!

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

They should all join the brothers of the beige. The Beige sisters of premenstrual agony.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.