Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 8

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

Try to live in a place you like.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.