Quotes & Jokes by Carlos Mencia / page 2
What is that fucking dot on Indian guy's heads? I know what it is. It's a camera. That's why they work at 7-11. Don't steal shit. They got your ass on camera.
He immigrated to America, moved us all to east L. A. where all the Mexicans treated us like crap; because they would say, and I quote, 'Eh, you're from farther.'
In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!
I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
I was in Mexico, and I see how these people operate. They're not stupid. Did you know that in Cabo San Lucas, there is actually a Home Depot? I swear to God. Then I went inside the Home Depot, but there was nothing inside, completely empty. It was just a fa ade. And then I looked outside, and there were Mexicans standing out front - but there was nothing inside, but they were outside. And then I realized: it's a training facility!
Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.
Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullshit number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!
I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.
Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.
Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.
A lot of people out there are going to ask 'why did they interview Carlos about this? Carlos is a joke thief, Carlos steals jokes and we know this.' Listen to me and look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty: if you think that I steal jokes, fuck yeah, you're right! Of course I fucking steal jokes, are you out of your fucking mind? When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch, you better get the fuck off stage because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine. And all I'm going to do is say 'Mexican' in the front. I'm like a rapper, I just sample shit and make it my own. Was that really my song? I don't know, but it sounds like mine, but it kind of sounds like somebody else's. It's a hit, bitch!