Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 15

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

We women have to stick together.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

My boobs are very muscular!

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.