Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 15

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

We women have to stick together.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.

Britney and Christina's careers are nipple to nipple.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.