Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 15
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.