Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 15
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.