Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 15
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.