Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 15

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

We women have to stick together.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.