Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.