Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.