Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.