Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14
Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.
They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.