Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.