Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

We women have to stick together.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.