Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.