Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 4
Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.
Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she’s out with her friends and they’re like, ‘Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.’
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.