Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 5
You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.
Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.
He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.