Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 7

Every time a man's being nice to women, he's offering you dick.

I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads. I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.

A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!

It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.