Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 9

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

Hollywood's just not funny.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, "Duh, where are all the famous people?"

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.

It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.