Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.