Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.