Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 19

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don't even know, the first one that comes out I'm naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it's beautiful, it's feminine but it's strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr... I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I'm gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'd be great. You'd be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we're gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander ...HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.